Ok, so I realize that it has been a few weeks.. ok, maybe more like a month and half? But that's beside the point. I'll get some pics and stories up soon. Promise. However, right now, I just need to blow off some steam...
So first off, let me just say that I've hit a wall. I've hit that wall where I don't see how I'm ever going to get past it. That wall that somehow laughs at you and mocks you because you can't (or at least think you can't) get past it. Yup, that's where I'm at.
I've slowly but surely been losing weight and getting healthier over the past several months. After gaining 20 lbs since getting married (which when I think about it, really makes me sick inside...) I am well aware that I need to lose some weight. So where did that 20 lbs come from? Cause it's not like I really started eating crap all the time. It was a combo of birth control, anxiety, depression, frustration, lonliness, and thinking I needed to eat the same portion sizes as my wonderful husband... So after we had been married for about a year and a half, I finally tried putting forth more effort to make a change. And so far, I'm down about 13 lbs. Which isn't a ton (especially considering how many months it has taken me), but oh well. I'm just glad I haven't gained that weight (in addition to the 20) instead of losing it. So now back to that wall I've hit. It's an emotional, mental, and physical wall. I don't really feel like I have the desire or will power to keep going, even though it's just 7 more lbs to be back at what I was when we got married. My brain keeps battleing back and forth telling me that "No, you can't do it. You're never going to reach your goals" while at the same time saying "Keep going, you CAN do it!" Usually it's the negative voice that wins out. And physically, I can't get down past a certain weight. I thought I had finally broken past it a couple of weeks ago, but nope. That was a fluke. Cause I've been right at the same spot ever since. I've been trying to count calories and exercise. But let's be honest, I haven't been doing great at it. And THAT'S the biggest wall I've hit. The lack of motivation to keep doing it.
SO... in addition to all that.. it's not that I just want to get back down to what I was as a single gal, but I want to blow past it! From where I'm sitting now, I'm talking about another 25-30 lbs. And that it truly why I'm so frustrated. Because I can't just accept myself as I am now or as I was when I got married. Becuase I feel like unless I continue to drop off the pounds and inches, I'm not good enough. And THAT ticks me off. Because I should feel good enough, but I don't. And most of that is because I'm definitely guilty of comparing myself to others- whether it be celebrities, girls I see at church, people I don't know, or even Cinderella (yes, I do think that Disney gives little girls a false sense of what beauty is).. I'm all around guilty of comparing. Which I KNOW is a no-no. Because everyone has different challenges, genes, habits.. it's completely unfair to look at someone and instantly assume that they're better off than I am, simply because they're skinnier. But alas, it is probably one of my greatest challenges.
My second-greatest challenge? My love affair with food. I love food. I love watching Food Network, I love to shop for food, to prepare, cook, and then plate the food to look pretty. All-in-all, I'm pretty positive I'm a food addict. Yep, that's me. I'm a food addict. When I'm stressed, I try to find my solace in the kitchen. When Zane is gone and I feel lonely, food is my friend. When I'm depressed, you better believe that rather than go for the tub of ice cream, I want a big ol' fat, steaming hot baked potato with a dumptruck-sized load of sharp cheddar cheese melting over the sides and sour cream on top. And at that point, I'm pretty sure the ice cream would have been the healthier option....
So- are y'all sick of listening to my ranting and raving yet? It's ok if you are, I'm almost done ;) My last frustration is that I have a hard time finding an exercise routine that I like and will stick to. The gym is too expensive, and the weather in Wyoming is so variable, that I just get frustrated and give up. Not to mention that I usually feel like working out around 8 or 9a.m. and that's when I'm stuck at work. So with that said, let me make it clear that I'm not looking for any kind of "Aw, Marie- you don't need to lose weight! You look good!" kind of comments. Cause I'm not. I just really, really needed to get my thoughts down on paper.. So there ya have it. What I am asking for however, is any advice on how to get past, around, over, or through the wall I've hit. Seriously, does anyone have some TNT that I can use to just blast through it? That would be great ;)
